


(life is not a) love song

by bunjunnie (DRIPPINJUN)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Baseball, Alternate Universe - High School, Discrimination, Fist Fights, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Sex, Lack of Communication, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, One-Sided Attraction, Party, Strangers to Lovers, Tutoring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23566492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRIPPINJUN/pseuds/bunjunnie
Summary: #069all jeno wants is for the golden boy of his high school, huang renjun, to notice him. through a spiral of baseball games, tutoring sessions and teenage angst he does more than just that.orrenjun’s a star baseball player who’s got everyone in love with him with his charms and cool. he’s kind and smart and it’s no wonder he’s the school’s golden boy! but he has one fatal flaw - he’s totally oblivious to jeno’s advances.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 17
Kudos: 124
Collections: noren fic fest round 1





	(life is not a) love song

**Author's Note:**

> to my prompter !! 
> 
> thank you so much for this incredible idea, i hope my fic does justice to what you wanted !!

jeno had found the love of his life during a storm in october. he could remember every little thing about the encounter, because it was the moment when he realised that meet cutes really did exist. unfortunately, his just hadn’t led to romance yet. he wasn’t sure if that meant it wasn’t actually a meet cute. the technicalities weren’t important. what was important was the fact that he would easily die for huang renjun. like, the in a heartbeat kind of easily. jeno hadn’t previously been convinced by his friends telling him that they were whipped for their crushes; it was in this moment that he realised how wrong he was. he was whipped at first sight, just like they always claimed to be. and so it had happened: in the least romantic of locations - school.

he had been running down the corridor to history, rain dripping from his hair; resisting the urge to shake the damp off of him like a dog. his blazer was wet through and the plasticised lining was practically frozen onto his skin. it was the brutal kind of rain outside. the kind that penetrated anything and everything in drops that exploded into glitter on blades of grass. it was in this sodden state, trailing a puddle behind him as he ran, that he first saw him. 

the boy was wearing grey uniform shorts and dark socks that stopped just beneath his knees; it was an odd choice for october but jeno didn’t care. because they perfectly highlighted the curve of his legs. jeno couldn’t say that he’d ever found legs attractive before, but these were something else - there was no word to describe them other than delicious, as crude as it sounded. his hair had been brown at the time, curving into his eyes which sparkled with mirth. he had a thick folder firmly held against his chest - black whiteboard pen clumsily spelling out ‘medicals’. a smile overtook his face when he noticed jeno, nodding in greeting at the younger boy and continuing on his way; delicately stepping through the sopping mess that jeno had left in his wake.

jeno had stared after him for a solid thirty seconds, completely overwhelmed by how gorgeous the boy was. unfortunately, he had no idea who he was, but at that moment, jeno couldn’t have cared any less - he was in love. the boy was just so dainty and pristine, he seemed like he was already halfway to heaven. it was also unfortunate then jeno was then forced to spill everything to his friends, after they noticed him dreamily staring after the boy when he next passed him in the corridor, and had never been free from teasing for the two years since. 

sometimes he liked to imagine that he could ever be with renjun, especially considering his status as the school’s golden boy (a fact which jeno had somehow neglected to learn for the first two years of secondary school - he was a little oblivious when it came to social status). other times he was forced into reality, like right now; his current company was a whiny na jaemin, a physics textbook and the deserted school library. jeno felt hard done to with that exchange rate.

“jeno, stop daydreaming and let me copy your history notes.” jaemin was prodding him, his finger staying against jeno’s skin for long enough for it to ache slightly, somehow finding the bruise he’d gotten from falling into his locker the week before every time he made contact. the younger boy’s tie was loose around his neck and getting looser as he tugged at it frantically. “i have mr davies, you know he’ll kill me, jeno, and i can’t have another detention or my parents will never let me go to anything good ever again. do you want me to suffer, jeno lee, is that what you want?” his voice had heightened to a whine, he loosened the knot of his tie even further, pulling it over his head and stuffing it into his backpack in a crumpled mess. 

his white shirt was unbuttoned at the collar and untucked from his trousers. it wasn’t jaemin’s total disregard for uniform which was surprising; it was the fact that he hadn’t been sanctioned for it at any point over the last five years. every teacher just let it slide, he was jaemin after all. jeno thought it was incredibly unfair, the very second he had first opened a packet of gum on school grounds he’d been given a detention. renjun had never been sanctioned for anything: no detentions, no warnings, no isolation. he was perfect - to both the teachers and the student body. it wasn’t even like jeno could be mad about it, renjun was a model student. jeno was curious as to how though. it was well known within the school that the golden boy’s closest friends, donghyuck and yukhei, were always getting into trouble and nobody knew how renjun managed to avoid the blame when it seemed that he was permanently involved with them and whatever they were doing. 

“jeno,” jaemin snapped his fingers in front of the older boy’s face, “wakey wakey.”

jeno blinked at him dumbly, renjun still dancing in the forefront of his mind. “stop thinking about your lover boy and get your history notes, jen, the ones on the occupation of the ruhr, i swear you’re hopeless.” jaemin sighed, drumming his fingers on the table - letting his nails tap dully on the plastic as jeno stared at him in confusion. “alright, then,” he mumbled, pulling jeno’s bag across the table towards himself and rifling through it. almost definitely disturbing the perfect order that jeno had in place (they were arranged in size, with the largest books at the back descending all the way down to his pencil case, like a cherry, on the top). 

jeno finally reacted, his mind finally catching up to the conversation, “i wasn’t thinking about him!” he paused, watching as jaemin tugged his lined paper out of the bottom of his bag, pausing to read the notes he had scribbled in the margins, “and ask before you go through my stuff?” he snatched the paper away and watched the younger boy detachedly.

jaemin looked up at him with a pointed stare, “what’s in here that i haven’t already seen? i’ve known you since year seven, jeno, i’ve seen every phase you’ve ever had, i have a right to your bag.” he tugged at the thick blue book that held all of jeno’s notes; flicking through it haphazardly until he found the page that he was looking for and settling back down to copy it. “and you definitely were.”

jeno leaned forwards in his chair incredulously, “i wasn’t!” 

“sure, you weren’t. i bet you don’t know any of those physics notes because you’re too busy focusing on the probability of your lover boy winning his match tonight.” he quirked an eyebrow, laughing slightly at jeno’s expense.

“shut up, min, literally no one asked.” he paused dramatically, as if jaemin couldn’t guess what was coming next, “and are we going tonight or what?” jeno tugged his fingers through his hair, desperate for jaemin to say yes. he couldn’t go alone and mark would never, ever be seen at a baseball game. it was one of the rules of the earth. and it wasn’t like jeno wanted to break his streak of going to matches, either. he was now at thirty seven consecutively. he was probably the baseball teams quietest but most dedicated fan, even if he did say so himself. and even if he was only going to watch renjun and was too afraid to go alone for fear of being called out on it.

jaemin laughed brightly, “depends if you care more about physics or renjun. also, that was an awful topic change - it’s still related.” jaemin had always been high octane; this palette of bright colours that swirled and danced, always taking people higher than they’d ever been before. jeno was a little more muted in his tones, warm and welcoming, but much quieter than jaemin - it was surprising that their friendship worked as well as it did. but at that moment in time, jeno could have thrown their friendship out the window quite happily. 

he grumbled slightly under his breath before going off onto his usual tangent, “i only need to pass physics at gcse and then i can drop it forever. it’s also not like this one topic test matters, right?” he scrubbed a hand through his hair, nervously tugging at the strands as he tried to talk his way around his minor issue. jaemin just watched him, knowing full well that the older boy was just thinking out loud for the sake of it and that he would definitely through everything aside to watch renjun play. “it’s waves part two, i already passed waves part one last year so i should probably be okay. it’s not like the content is that difficult. i reckon i’ll pass,” there was another pause, “i care about both equally. so i’m going.”

the younger boy rocked back in his chair, “so we’re going?” jeno nodded. the younger boy grinned at him wickedly, “of course we are, i could never have predicted that.”

~

jeno found himself walking home in the rain. jaemin was supposed to go with him, but his mum had gotten off work early and decided to give him a lift. jeno was only a little bitter that she hadn’t offered jeno one as well. it was the worst kind of rain; the kind that fell in thin sheets of nothing but that cut through clothing and penetrated the skin - leaving you completely wet through. jeno had his blazer held over his head, a futile attempt to keep the rain off of his hair. the wind was blowing it under his make shift hood anyway, he didn’t really know why he was trying. 

his walk home was short; but the rain made it feel almost a thousand times longer. every road took a million steps and every turn led to a road that felt unfamiliar. he fumbled with his keys in the doorway, the metal cold and unforgiving in his fingers. it took him two attempts to find the right key, eventually pushing the door open so that he could get into the dry.

he hooked his finger under the strap of his bag, dropping it on the linoleum floor of the kitchen and peeling his blazer from his body - the polythene lining clinging to him. he checked the time on the oven, 16:20. he had half an hour to revise for the physics test before he was due to get the bus with jaemin. but he hadn’t made a banner for renjun yet. he always did - every game, without fail. initially it had been so that the older boy might so much as notice him, but that plan hadn’t worked out. now it was just habit. 

he fished his textbook out of the damp mess of his school bag and took the stairs up to his room two at a time, socked feet slipping slightly from the stretch. jeno’s thought process was this: he could revise for a bit and then make the banner if he had time - he could always reuse an older one (they were stashed in a thick pile of card stock under his bed).

but the truth was inevitable, really. he ended up with yellow card on his desk, a thick whiteboard pen that he’d stolen from the science department at school in his hand and a lonely physics textbook tossed onto his bed. he only had twenty minutes, so a basic ‘go jun!’ would have to do. he sketched the outline of the letters vaguely, tapping his pencil against his desk the entire time that he did so, boldly covering them with pen before he could overthink and change the design entirely. it wasn’t his best banner ever, but he had no time.

jeno knew that he would be cutting it fine today, but was still surprised when - by the time he had gotten changed and rolled up his banner for the journey - he had to run to catch the bus. he could see it pulling into the lane from the top of the street. and so he ran.

ran for what felt like centuries but was really only two minutes until he reached the bus and paid for his ticket with heaving breaths. he collapsed into the seat beside jaemin and ignored the smirk on the younger boy’s face as he zeroed in on the banner. “how was your physics revision?”

jeno shoved his shoulder, “if you don’t shut up, i’ll tell your dad about the party.” he sat back in his seat, tapping the banner against his thigh, it was rolled into a tube and so it satisfied with the hollow noise that it made. 

“you wouldn’t dare, jeno lee.” but it did shut him up. they sat in comfortable silence; jaemin leant his head on jeno’s shoulder, essentially napping for the fifteen minutes it took to get back to the school fields. jeno really didn’t see the point. there was no way he would get any valuable rest from it, but he didn’t stop the younger boy. 

the walk to the field from the bus stop was cold and unforgiving. jeno had his coat zipped up to his chin and was tucking his head downwards in a bid to turn his face away from the wind, his fingers were hidden away by gloves but he couldn’t stuff them into his pockets because of his banner. the mud from the field was wet and had started seeping into his trainers. jaemin had a hoodie pulled over his head, covered by a down jacket that had seen better days. “i can’t believe that you make me go to these, like, we could be at my house playing assassin’s creed but no.”

“that is terrible wingman speak.”

“i’ll be a good wingman when you step up and ask him out. it’s been two years, jen, don’t you think that’s a little long to pine?” the younger boy was scuffing his shoes against the grass, trying to get rid of the mud currently staining them but only spreading it around even further. 

“i’m still ignoring this conversation. now pretty please let me watch the love of my life play like a god in peace?” they had reached the sidelines now, the floodlit field seeming overly bright compared to the dark of the sky. the two boys stood against the plastic fencing; to his credit, jaemin only made four more snide remarks about renjun that night. but jeno was too fixated on watching the other boy to retaliate.

that was how it always seemed to go. not quite groundhog day, but something achingly similar. a sense of deja vu that always went untamed. the game finished and jeno went home; jaemin teasing him the whole way. he slipped into his house just after seven, his parents pestered him about where he’d been, they finally accepted his answer and let him go, he sat at his desk and did his work, today that meant he sat beside his opened physics textbook. that was how things always went. week in, week out. a never ending cycle. 

but his mind slipped back to renjun. the way that his jersey was slightly too large for him, the dark blue complimenting his skin tone perfectly. the way that he played as if it was all that was worth living for, a desperate and continuous style of play that jeno had never seen before. the way that jeno wanted to know every tiny detail about him, to hold him long into the night and talk about nothing.

he fell asleep that way. a grey silhouette on an imposing textbook, mind raked through with images of gold and comfort. a boy named renjun huang filling his dreams.

~

it came as no surprise to anyone that jeno had failed his physics test. the surprise was more to do with how badly he’d failed it. jeno wasn’t even sure that he could stand to look at it, so mark had nabbed his test paper before he could. his low whistle was enough for jeno. mark never criticised test scores. he was always positive, mentioning how they could be improved and where each of them had probably gone wrong. he saw mistakes as opportunities. mark was the smartest of the three, he knew things instinctively and had never failed to boost jaemin or jeno’s failed grades by at least two places.

no words meant serious failure. as in, mark might not even be able to fix it failure. jeno snatched the paper of off him, hands shaking as he stared at the sea of red. he pushed it away from himself and sat back in his chair, feet kicking at the metal bars of his stool anxiously. 

it was so bad that jaemin didn’t even make any jokes about how renjun had distracted him. they all already knew. there was no point in voicing the issue. putting it into words would just make everything worse. because getting three percent on a test was bad. but it was worse when the excuse as to why was fairly poor. 

jeno was usually proud of himself for maintaining stable grades throughout secondary school. not at this point. there was a lump in his throat; bitter and painful. it wasn’t even as if he would get into any trouble: his parents wouldn’t care - they’d just repeat the mantra that he wasn’t taking it for a levels so why did it matter. it was jeno who cared. jeno who felt the brunt of failure pushing his shoulders down and making him want to cave in on himself. jeno who would demean himself over and over and over because of this. 

so, when he was asked to stay behind after class he only nodded, numb to the comforting hands on his back as his friends left for next period. his teacher couldn’t be more upset with him than he was at himself.

the room was silent for a few moments, the slight hiss of the gas taps penetrating the clean break from noise. 

“alright, jeno, what happened?” she was sat on the desk in front of him, her eyes filled with concern, “i know you’ve told me that you find my subject difficult, but you’re in top set. i don’t think it’s news to you that three percent is unheard of.”

“i’m sorry, i just-“ he cut himself of, staring at the gas taps instead of meeting her gaze, irritated by their noise. “i don’t know - i went to all the clinics as well, it’s just really hard. i don’t understand any of it.” he felt tears welling up in his eyes and tried to force them to stay back.

“okay, well, we still have two months. how about i find you a tutor in your year? that way you can communicate more easily.” she smiled at him, “you’re a good kid, jeno. i know that you can do this.” she waited until he nodded unsteadily, her fingers running over the grooves in the table, “i’ll let you know when i find someone.”

jeno just nodded again, feeling far too weak and defeated to open his mouth. he was convinced that even the smallest action would make him cry. he picked up his rucksack by one strap, ignoring the fact that it was still unzipped and tugged at the door handle. his teacher made no move to call him back and so he let it clatter shut behind him, sinking to the speckled blue linoleum floor of the corridor. 

he must have looked like a disaster: knees pulled into his chest, arms wrapped over his thighs and body curled into a ball against the peeling plaster of the school corridor.

the tears rolling down his cheeks were hot and heavy, he swiped angrily at them, choking on the sobs that he was trying to hold back. footsteps sounded from the opposite end of the hallway, he looked up nervously - tensing up sharply. his hands falling to his sides to try and minimise the damage. mark held up his hands as if in surrender, “only me, jen.”

jeno watched his feet as he made his way down the hallway, black shoelaces tied into perfect bows that seemed to move in time with one another. 

mark lowered himself to the floor beside him, sitting with his knees in a triangle, trousers wrinkling around his ankles as he turned towards the younger boy. he shifted so that he was sat shoulder to shoulder with jeno, bumping his knee against the other boy’s, in a bid to get his attention.

“what did she say?” his voice was light, but the concern was rolling off of him in swathes. jeno remained silent and mark tried again, he was used to dealing with him in this state, the quiet wouldn’t deter him, “hey, talk to me.”

jeno kept his gaze on the floor, but began speaking through the thick layers of hurt building up inside him, “she wants to find me a tutor.” his tears had stopped and now he just felt embarrassed. mark had seen him cry. over a physics test.

“good or bad?” 

“i don’t know. i always thought i was smart enough to do this on my own. getting a tutor feels like failure. but i guess i’ve already hit rock bottom when it comes to that so what’s the point?” he sounded bitter, his nails digging into his palms as he spoke. voice growing louder as he went on. 

the older boy just watched him, keeping his tone level, “it doesn’t make you a failure to need help, jeno.” mark bumped his knee again, “it just means that you’re human.” 

he stood up, zipping up jeno’s bag and beginning to walk away, “i’ll tell mr williams that you’re at the nurse. don’t stay here too long, it’s filthy, you’ll get rabies.”

mark had always looked out for jeno, always covered for him when he needed it and stayed up until the waining hours of the morning to talk through his problems with him. jeno didn’t know what he would do without him.

fester, probably.

~

it was only two days later that jeno found himself perched on a table in the corner of the library, leg shaking up and down as he waited for the arrival of his tutor. his physics teacher had told him to be here for their first session - but the other person was late. jeno sighed uneasily and tapped his nails against the smooth surface, the noise tumbling into the mesh of sounds that came with the library. the tone of the library was comforting; a soft hubbub of chatter undermined by the whine of the printer and the tap of keyboards.

jeno looked up at the clock on the wall, one seventeen. his tutor was twelve minutes late. someone cleared their throat behind him, he turned and was faced with huang renjun. he blanked, hard, staring at the older boy for what felt like ages. he was pretty sure his mouth was open. he pulled himself together as quickly as he could and held out his hand, “renjun, right?”

renjun took it, shaking it firmly and giving him a tiny smile, “that’s me! and you’re jeno lee. i’m sorry, i never knew your name until now. you’re at all the baseball games - thank you so much for supporting the team! i’m really sorry that i’m late, my friends wanted to finish running through a really specific game play and i can’t say no to them.” he spoke quickly but calmly, his voice arcing and cleaving to fill the space where gaps should have been - the sound of him seemed to grab jeno by every sense and pull him towards the older boy. it was intoxicating to have his full attention centred on jeno. 

jeno nodded, trying not to seem too eager, “no, it’s fine.” he winced at himself, incredibly afraid that he sounded like an old man. “i really don’t mind.” because huang renjun knew who he was. he, lee jeno, was known of by huang renjun. him! very vaguely. jeno was counting that as a win. he needed something to boost himself after that test. renjun smiled at him, tucking a small piece of hair behind his ear. the way his hair caught the light made it look as if he had a halo - perfectly perched over him and marking him as the golden boy. 

“we don’t really have time for a full session right now, but if you give me your number then we can organise timings and narrow down what you need help with. sound good?” even though he spoke in full blown sentences, they felt like snapshots. jeno could barely process the information he was supposed to be taking in. he was caught up on the part where he was on a texting basis with the boy he’d had a crush on for two years. he also wasn’t really sure how to tell renjun that there would be no narrowing down and that his knowledge of the entire topic had gone to pot. 

he kept quiet to this fact and instead nodded dumbly, looking vaguely like a puppy as his hair bounced, “yeah.” he was getting renjun’s number. “that sounds great.” he was getting huang renjun’s number. he pulled his phone out of the pocket of his blazer, renjun seeming almost apathetic as he fumbled slightly and almost dropped it. jeno had no idea how he was going to learn when he was already distracted. let alone being in close proximity with the older boy for prolonged periods of time. 

renjun quirked an eyebrow, “how come you watch the baseball so often? i’m not complaining, i just don’t think anyone else is quite as dedicated as you.” jeno’s eyes widened slightly, immediately shifting away from renjun and trying to avoid blurting out the honest reason.

he settled on a half truthful answer, “i just think it’s nice to support the school.” renjun nodded, seemingly satisfied with this and took the unlocked phone from jeno’s hand - keying in his number quickly.

“well, it’s very sweet of you. i have to go to school council now, but text me so we can set all this up, yeah?” he smiled that tiny smile of his, barely even a quirk of the lips and set jeno’s phone down on the table. before jeno could even respond, he was darting away - weaving his way through the crowds of people, his grey backpack doing nothing to help jeno locate him.

jeno scooped up his phone, ignoring the posters blatantly stating the consequences if he was found using it, frantically messaging the group chat with mark and jaemin on as he began to scream internally. 

~

he and renjun had agreed to meet on saturday morning. the older boy was busy after school on most days, and it wasn’t as if jeno was going to complain about spending time with him. he was just slightly stressed.

“jeno, it’s not a date.” jaemin laughed down the phone line at him, the slight squeal in his tone cracking over the poor speakers, “stop stressing so much, just dress how you usually do.”

jeno frowned at the phone, regardless of the fact that the younger boy definitely couldn’t see him. he was stood in front of his wardrobe, phone perched on the edge of a shelf within it - a fairly precarious position, but jeno had used it enough times to know that it wouldn’t fall.

“but i don’t even know how i usually dress! he’s in my head, jaem, there’s nothing up there right now other than dust bunnies and renjun!” he pulled a dark blue jumper from the hanger, fingers sliding over the ribbed collar. it was a satisfying feeling, soft and comfortable. 

“i thought that was what was up there all the time though?” jeno ignored the raucous laugh of his friend and held the jumper up against a pair of trashed jeans. he had bought them ripped and added paint splatters and unknown stains and various strips of fabric and safety pins to them. his friends teased him endlessly about how ‘edgy’ they were. but they were very jeno. “i’m serious, jen, stop worrying. you’re lovable, if renjun doesn’t love you then fuck him.” he paused before continuing on his rampage, “well, no, actually, don’t fuck him if he doesn’t love you. the point is that you’re going to spending a lot of time with him from now on, so you have to get used to it and normalise it. otherwise you’re just going to be distracted.”

jeno blinked slightly, halfway through changing out of his striped pyjamas. “that was insightful.” he pushed his head through the hole in the top of the jumper, “you and mark have really been feeling the deep talks lately, huh?”

“we just want you to be happy, dumbass.” their conversation lulled slightly, not uncomfortably but rather poignantly. like the calm of waves lapping at the shore in the winter. “but if you’re really bothered about it, then maybe i heard that renjun likes that sticky ginger drink.” 

jeno laughed, tying a soft leather bracelet onto his wrist and brushing the loose strands of hair out of his face. his clothes were possible too warm for the weather, but he couldn’t be bothered with all of the minutia of that. he looked good. that was all that mattered. “the stuff that’s like seventy percent sugar?” 

texting renjun had felt surreal at first. felt like a lie. the older boy was less eloquent in his messages compared to his usual speaking pattern, but jeno found that quite endearing. it just meant he still knew very little about the other. 

“that’s the one. mark wouldn’t tell me where’s he’d found that out from but it’s the best chance we’ve got.” jeno could hear the rustling of bedsheets as jaemin rolled over. that was the other thing. renjun liked to wake up at an ungodly early time. so their first session was at six. on a saturday. 

“well, thanks, jaem. i have to go now, have fun sleeping.” he was only slightly jealous of the idea of curling into a warm duvet as the sun crept over the horizon. only slightly because he was otherwise overwhelmed by nerves.

“see ya.” the younger boy cut off their connection.

jeno slung his backpack over his shoulder - untangling his headphones as he walked out the door. he wrapped the wire around his finger, relishing in the slight burn and how it turned the top of his pinky a blushing shade of red. the air outside was cool, but not unpleasant - it cleared his mind as he plugged in his music and heard the soft tones of his morning playlist. 

the morning smelled of spring time. of fireflies darting past one another in the twilight, of lily pads floating on lakes, of gentle kisses on picnic blankets. it had always been jeno’s favourite time of year. 

he ran his fingers over the graffiti on the walls that marked his path. stopping at the corner shop to buy a can of sticky ginger and one of turmeric juice for himself. they were both stupidly expensive - claiming health benefits that they clearly didn’t have. he tucked the cans into the side pocket of his rucksack; thanking the cashier with a cordially bright smile on his way out. 

he continued on to the park - pushing the short gate open and sitting down at the picnic bench where they had agreed to meet. it was a slightly unconventional tutoring location, but the weather had looked nice and jeno didn’t want to be stuck indoors pining for the outside. the time on his phone read five to six. he had timed himself perfectly. he sent a quick text to his parents, letting them know where he was - just so they didn’t assume that he’d been kidnapped - and started tracing patterns in the dirt with the tip of his shoe.

a shadow fell over him and he turned, a small smile gracing his lips. “hello,” renjun sat down opposite him, beginning to lift things out of his backpack, “it’s a lovely morning, isn’t it?”

jeno turned, instinctively sitting on his hands out of nervousness. “yeah, i usually sleep in so it’s quite nice. to see the town quiet for once.” renjun paused in his action, tilting his head to the side and studying jeno for a moment. the younger boy glanced down at his feet and shifted awkwardly. “would you like a drink?” renjun raised an eyebrow, “wait, no, not like that! i meant just a cold drink, to wake you up! i bought a couple on my way!” 

he didn’t even the notice the bemused smirk on renjun’s face, the older boy leaned over and patted his shoulder, “calm down, silly, a drink would be nice. i was just messing with you.” jeno could feel his ears turning crimson.

he turned away to hide his blush, fishing the two drinks out and pushing the ginger one towards renjun, shyly tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. 

“oh! this is my favourite jeno, thank you so much!” renjun beamed; it was the first time jeno had seen him smile in a way that seemed wholly genuine. light filling his eyes and cheeks scrunching up slightly. “i’m sorry that i’m about to repay your kindness with tasks about black body radiation.”

and in the dawning light of the morning, jeno laughed with a sweet boy. their voices tickling on the breeze like broken glass and cherry blossoms. and he finally understood the significance of a matte black surface. (but he saw that as slightly lesser).

~

renjun had been playing baseball since he was seven. his school hadn’t allowed ‘violent’ sports until they made it into the junior division, but he’d been watching the game for as long as he could remember. there had always been something that he found tantalising about it. something that made him want to play. no other sport had ever done that: in fact, renjun hadn’t even been an active child until he was finally, finally allowed to play the only sport that he had ever cared about. it had seemed like the first glimpse of freedom.

it had been nine years since he had first picked up a bat. nine years on and he was somehow still throwing overarm to yukhei down the nets that the school had set up for cricket and then promptly handed over to the baseball team. it was a routine, something that felt like it should give him an rsi. it should have been boring and yet it never was, just a way to return to normality and familiarity. two steps, swing, throw, watch yukhei catch it and then pick up the next. they could do it for hours. but there was something rewarding about the ache that he would feel in his arm the next day. the proof that he worked for all that he had. that he deserved it.

hyuck bit down on his apple noisily, “how come i had to find out that you were tutoring a cute boy from mark lee?” he was sat cross legged on the astroturf behind them, calves mottled with the imprint of the fake grass against his skin. his hair was blowing in the wind, making him look a little like a rag doll.

renjun turned towards him as the current ball that he was holding let fly, “because it’s not a big deal.” hyuck leaned back on his hands, smirking at the older boy. he turned down the net and practically yelled so that the other member of their trio would be able to hear him.

“xuxi, thoughts on it being a big deal that renjun here is tutoring lee jeno.” 

the eldest laughed, “as in baseball watching supremacist lee jeno?” his knees softened as he caught the ball, tossing it into the bucket beside him and smirking at hyuck.

“exactly. xuxi gets it.”

“why are you even asking me when you clearly already know everything about it?” renjun sounded exasperated, he turned to fix donghyuck with a pointed look and tossed his ball into the air. 

“because i wanna hear it from you? come on, jun, give me something to nourish me. you know i thrive on drama.” he leaned forwards resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in the turned up palms of his hands. it looked uncomfortable, the bones of his elbows digging into the plush skin and causing him to almost hunch over. 

“there’s nothing to hear, there’s no drama. i’m literally just tutoring him. we’ve had one session and the only texts we’ve sent were organising it. i taught him about black body radiation and he bought me a can of ginger. that’s it. the end.” despite himself, renjun’s tone sounded almost bright, a small smile creeping onto his face at the memory of how awkwardly shy the younger boy had been in the park. how nervous he’d been to get answers wrong even after renjun had told him that it was okay and that he wouldn’t judge him.

hyuck squealed, “oh my god, junnie. he definitely asked people about you - this is amazing!” the youngest had always been over enthusiastic - but his dramatic flair peaked when it came to renjun’s love life. he was outraged that the older boy had never dated and always got far, far too excited and cliched at any mention of a possible boyfriend. no matter how vague the ‘possible’ was.

“hyuck, don’t. it was just a nice gesture. don’t blow it out of proportion.” donghyuck held his hands up in mock surrender, spitting out one of the pips from his apple and watching quietly as renjun donkey dropped the ball. 

“if you just wanna be friends with him then that’s fine, all i’m saying is that you definitely have a shot if you ever feel like going for it.” 

yukhei nodded exaggeratedly, probably thinking that the distance between them was harder for renjun to see down that it actually was. “and it’s jeno. have you even seen the look he gets on his face when he watches you play? it’s like you’re his god or something. and his face isn’t exactly sore on the eyes.” 

renjun huffed out a breath through his nose, “guys, he doesn’t. trust me. he barely speaks to me, on saturday he said the longest string of words i’ve ever heard from him and it was only the length of a normal sentence. i definitely don’t know enough about him to make that judgement. i want to be his friend, right now, nothing more.” he tossed another ball down the nets, relishing in the sound as it smacked into the skin of yukhei’s hands. 

“i hope you know that i’m taking that ‘right now’ very literally.” the youngest said, standing up and brushing the stray pieces of astro from his legs. he held up a finger when renjun opened his mouth to speak again, “shush. i don’t want to hear your negativity. let me live in peace.” 

“you’re such a hypocrite!” 

“and yet i’m still your best friend.” he smiled, twisting over his shoulder to check if any more of the fake grass was stuck to his legs. 

“i’m revoking your best friend card. xuxi’s the only boy i trust.” yukhei’s laugh bounced off of the nets, the eldest of them tending to be the most incoherent. renjun tilted back, squinting at the clock on the side of the main school building. “oh shit, i gotta go get lele from guitar.” 

“you’re lucky i love you enough to clear up your mess,” donghyuck laughed, starting to walk down the net towards yukhei, “go get your brother, dumbass.” 

“i’m definitely not the dumbass in this friendship.” 

~

renjun’s backpack straps were too loose, and so the weight hit off of his thighs with every step that he took. his thumbs were wrapped into the straps at the point where they could be adjusted in a desperate bid to provide some stability - in short, he was trying to convince himself that he didn’t need to buy a new school bag. he almost definitely did.

he also regretted not having taken a jacket to school that morning. his jumper sheltered him from the wind a little, but his school tended to make uniforms cheaply - it was prominent in the way that the cool air pierced through the fabric and chilled him to the core. 

he pulled his blazer tighter around himself, letting go of his backpack so that he could pull his hands up inside his sleeves. it wasn’t supposed to be this cold in april. the season gods clearly hated him.

renjun turned on to the main road through the town centre, having to stop every few paces to let cars down narrow side streets that didn’t even appear visible if you didn’t already know that they were there. the road was the worst after rainfall; when stagnant water collected and get splashed upwards by unruly cars. at least it was dry today. 

his mind was ticking over at a thousand thoughts each second, still mulling over what his friends had been saying to them earlier. lee jeno. he was quiet but sweet. nobody had ever looked at renjun with eyes as bright as his before. everything about him was soft and well rounded; perfectly mannered. he was the epitome of a goody two shoes. and yet renjun kind of liked that about him.

he liked the way that jeno was attentive when he listened but unbound when he spoke. he liked the soft lilt of his vowels and the way that he always stretched backwards in his seat. he liked the honesty of the boy. he probably liked him far too much for the two times he’d met him. but there was just something overwhelming and all consuming about him. it scared renjun just a little. it was far too fast to fall in like.

far too fast for the seasons to change.

he was startled from his thoughts by someone calling his name, only then did he realise that a small, blue car had practically come to a stop beside him. jeno lee was at the wheel. he leaned over the passenger seat so that he could better see the older boy and smiled wholly.

“hey, renjun.” he sounded slightly afraid, “do you need a lift? i don’t have anywhere to go but home so you wouldn’t be bothering me, but it’s okay if you don’t want to-“ his eyes widened slightly, cutting himself of as he realised the ramble that had begun to spill from his lips.

renjun should have said no. shouldn’t have forced the shift in emotions upon himself any faster, but he took one look at jeno’s pouting lips and was a goner, “a lift would be lovely. you can drop me at gate lane, i’m picking my brother up.”

“oh! that’s nice then.”

and so renjun huang and jeno lee found themselves in a cramped car together. talking about siblings and music and not schoolwork. on a journey that seemed far too personal for people who had only met a few days before. renjun found himself less afraid then he probably should have been. he didn’t hate the feeling. 

he didn’t hate the way that jeno waved goodbye as he pulled away either. 

~

“are you shitting me? that kid is so weird, his english just sounds made up, i swear he should be in a special ed school.” the boys in jeno’s form had always been nasty, and he hated hearing what they had to say every morning. they had never bothered to speak to him and so he had never bothered to remember who they were in turn. jaemin and mark were both in the same form, but when jeno had asked to transfer the school had decided against it. he never really understood why. form time was lonely for jeno - he tended to huddle in the back of the room with his headphones in, ignoring the anger and lies that spilt like raindrops from the other boys’ mouths.

but today seemed somehow worse; because it reminded him of when he first moved from korea. of how his tongue couldn’t shape the foreign letters and how the other children had ignored him simply because they couldn’t understand him. it reminded him of how long and hard he had had to work to even be heard. it reminded him that his home had not seemed beautiful to him for a very long time. and that so many other children had to go through all the pain that he had felt as well. he watched two of the boys from across the room, they were the only people in the form at that point - it was too early before school for many of the others. he had headphones settled in his ears, but nothing was playing - they probably thought that he couldn’t hear them. in fact, he was almost certain that they thought he couldn’t hear them. 

“he’s renjun’s brother though, right? shouldn’t he be overly intelligent or some shit? i don’t get how his family hasn’t had him put down or something yet. something up there ain’t wired right.” jeno ground his teeth harshly against one another, trying to avoid the overwhelming urge to spit and yell and scream. because the problem was that jeno often did impulsive things. stupid things that happened before he could think of the consequences. actions that he regretted, that filled him with dread, that consumed him until he pulled himself out of his head. things that left him feeling stranded; like a boat alone in the ocean. it was one of his least favourite things about himself - but it was something he would never be able to change. he couldn’t change the way in which he was wired. and neither could chenle. 

it was funny how everything that renjun said stuck with him. funny how he felt like he knew the boy from just a small exchange about him a few days earlier. funny how he wanted to prove everyone wrong about him. 

at this moment he realised that he didn’t care about repercussions, didn’t care about anything other than defending his own memory. he pushed his chair back from his table, crossing the room with steps that seemed to echo in the now deadly silence. they knew that he could hear. his thumb wrapped around the outside of his fingers and he caught the second boy in the jaw. his mind was working overtime to stop him from doubting his actions but he still started to panic. holding his breath in from fear. he watched, stock still, as the first boy practically sprinted from the room, pulling his blazer haphazardly over his shoulders as he went. 

“jeno, what the fuck?” his knuckles were vaguely bloody, he could feel the metallic tang seeping across the skin. it felt uncomfortable. like a forbidden thing. he just stood there, panic pooling in his gut. the boy in front of him slapped him across his face, high on his cheek bone. “you need to get your head seen to, mate, what was that about?” the boy stood, he could only have been a few centimetres taller than jeno and yet jeno felt minuscule under the weight of his gaze. he shrunk down on himself, wishing that he could disappear. 

“don’t talk about shit that you don’t understand.” his voice was heavy, scratching at his throat as he forced it out. every part of him was closing in. trying to make him vanish into the floorboards.

the boy laughed, wincing as pain laced through his jaw. he brought a hand up, probing at the bloody skin.

“jeno, what’s going on?” his form tutor was stood in the doorway, her arms folded across her chest. the other boy must have gone to find her. he had no idea how long she’d been stood there. however long it had been was long enough. he closed his eyes to stop himself from screaming. 

“he attacked me!” the other boy spoke up before he could even begin to process cohesive words, “me and will were just talking and he punched me.” his tone was that of a whining child, wheedling his way free of any blame. jeno despised every inch of him at that moment. despised the way that people thought other’s suffering was so funny. despised the injustice of everything. despised the way that the teacher looked at him with cold eyes when she had sympathy turned on the other boy just moments before.

“just talking? is that what you call it? you know that you were out of line, otherwise you wouldn’t be trying to hide it.” he trailed his fingers over his cheekbone, wincing as he brushed over the tender skin - he would have a nasty bruise. the kind that throbbed every shade of the rainbow with time and formed an obvious lump. the worst kind.

“i don’t know what you’re talking about.” the boy’s lip was curled down in a sneer and jeno wanted to laugh. he would have laughed if he felt that he could even speak. instead, he let out a weighty breath through his nose.

“well, boys, regardless of the situations both of you are being sanctioned for fighting,” she pursed her lips slightly, teeth denting her overly saturated lipstick, “and i’m sorry jeno but you’re going to have to go into isolation for today. you know the rules about instigating fights.”

and all the fight left him, everything falling out of him in one moment. he just nodded weakly, following her out of the room silently when asked to. every step feeling like a weight crashing down on him like waves breaking over a dolphin’s back. 

alone in a sea of people who could never understand. 

~

the isolation booths were probably the cleanest part of the school. jeno had never been in them before and he was only beginning to realise the implications that this could have on his social life if his parents found out, but he was pushing that to the back of his mind. he instead focused primarily on the fact that he was in a clean, white booth - a soft chair positioned at the desk and nobody else in the room bar himself.

even though he wouldn’t be allowed to leave, he had been told that a runner would collect and return all of his work as well as bringing him his food. it kind of sounded like a unique form of heaven. the nurse had put a sterile, white bandage over his bruise which seemed unnecessary considering the fact that he was completely fine. and he was only slightly bitter that he was the one being punished when he was clearly not as deeply in the wrong, but he struggled to be mad when the runner for isolation walked in.

“jeno?” because there stood huang renjun, in all his glory, still tucking his shirt into the band of his straight trousers; letting jeno see a sliver of mildly tanned skin. 

isolation definitely wasn’t as terrible as everyone made it out to be.

the older boy tousled his hair slightly.

nowhere near as bad. 

before he could respond, the older boy started on one of his slight rambles, “miss hawkins told me that i wouldn’t be able to guess who it was, but i didn’t think she actually meant it.” he was practically grinning, and jeno bit his lip to contain the smile that threatened to blossom across his cheeks. “you know you’re the only one in here today, right?”

“honestly?” he laughed, tilting back in his chair, “it’s just you and me in here all day?” he pulled the silent headphones out of his ears, hoping to show renjun that he had his full attention. it seemed chivalrous. jeno had no idea how to make a move.

“yes, don’t worry, i reckon i can allow myself to go easy on you,” a cheeky smirk lifted one corner of his mouth. jeno laughed, pausing when he noticed how the smile had dropped almost instantaneously from renjun’s face as jeno turned towards him more prominently, he lifted his hand to brush over the plaster on jeno’s cheekbone. “hey,” his voice was gentle, “what’s this?” he fingers were featherlight, barely grazing over the material as he tapped his nail just below where the bruise was sure to form. 

jeno paused, his gaze instinctively tilting to the floor to hide from the searching look that renjun had turned on him. 

“i got into a bit of a fight.” his voice was quiet, curving over the harshness of the words in a bid to lessen the discomfort that filled his stomach at the words. he wasn’t quite willing to explain that he’d been defending the older boy’s brother, whom he’d never met - he would probably seem delusional. he also didn’t want renjun to think that he was impulsive; even if he was. 

“how come?” the older boy still had his fingers resting on jeno’s face and it was taking a lot of effort for him to suppress a searing blush from spreading across his cheeks.

“don’t worry about it,” he turned his face upwards to meet renjun’s eyes. “really, renjun, i’m fine.” the older boy pursed his lips but nodded, retracting his hand slowly as he allowed the conversation to slip through his fingers. 

he opened his mouth as if to speak but was cut off by someone yelling his name from down the hallway. the walls of jeno’s booth prevented him from seeing who it was.

“oh shit, i promised hyuck that i’d help him with his homework before school.” he bounced on his toes slightly, clearly torn as his name echoed down the hallway again.

“go on then,” jeno smiled slightly, “you know you’re stuck with me for the rest of the day right? you probably need to distance yourself for now.” he tapped his feet against the floor as renjun slung his backpack over one shoulder.

“i’ll be back before you know it!” he seemed almost reluctant, but jeno shooed him away, the smile finally spreading to his eyes.

and that was how jeno began his first time in a serious punishment, that seemed more like a blessing sent from the heavens than a curse if he was being honest. a whole day alone with the boy of his dreams. what more could he ask for?

~

jeno woke up on a bleak saturday morning to a text from renjun and practically fell out of bed in his haste to read it. he snatched the phone off of his bedside table and squinted at the brightness of the screen. he blinked repeatedly, trying to make head or tail of the message flooding his home screen. (he only knew it was from renjun because he’d set a unique ringer for the older boy - it was only a little embarrassing.) 

he rolled over onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows in a position which was sure to result in back ache, holding his phone just in front of his face.

i don’t know if you already know but there’s a game this morning? and i’d really like it if you came! just thought i should invite you cause we’re friends now and i was told that it’s a nice thing to do :)

jeno almost squealed like a three year old. he and renjun had spent the entirety of the previous day in isolation together, talking constantly. it had only served to make his heart drop even further into the clutches of the older boy. everything about him was so specifically him: he liked bubblemint gum but not spearmint, his favourite book was 1984, he had seven cacti in his room. there was just something perfectly crafted about him: some of his tastes were eloquent and sophisticated, while others just seemed softer. like a perfect contradiction. jeno adored it. 

his cheeks burned slightly from the flush that had overtaken his face while reading the message, the hot flow of excitement coursing through him as he texted the group chat with both of his friends urgently. he, jeno lee, had been invited to watch a baseball game by renjun huang. personally. as if he was someone important.

he tapped his nails against the screen, anxiously letting his mind tick over to find a reply. thank you !! of course i’ll be there to support you >.< his friends often teased him for the “cutesy” way that he texted, but he was far too nervous to even think about that. he bit his lip slightly, sending the message before he could overthink on the matter.

he sat up, his duvet settling over his knees as he dragged a hand through his hair; feeling how his cheeks had heated considerably with the back of his other hand. 

he checked the time, positive that it must be early because neither jaemin or mark had replied to him and renjun always seemed to send stuff inordinately early on at the weekend. it was half past six. the sun seemed to be coming through the slats in his blinds and jeno’s heart was racing. he was definitely not getting back to sleep. 

instead, he forced himself to get out of the warmth of his bed; exchanging his thin sleep shorts for an oversized hoodie - his bare legs curled up beneath him as he sat at his desk. his banner for this game had to be perfect, had to be the best one that he had ever made, there was something just ever so slightly different about being invited. by the boy he had a crush on. 

the painfully wide smile found itself back onto his face, it ached slightly where the yellowing bruise still sat on his cheekbone.

he started in pencil, marking out letters on the faded navy blue of the card. then he exchanged it for a thick silver sharpie, blotting it against his skin when he couldn’t find any scrap paper (ink poisoning was the least of his concerns at that moment in time.) he went over the letters in the silver pen, rubbing out the pencil beneath it as he went - blowing carefully on the ink to make sure that he wouldn’t smudge it. when he was finally done, it was eight. he leaned back in his chair, pleased with himself and his hands covered in silver stains. 

and then he started to panic. because the game was starting in an hour. and he was in nothing but a dirty hoodie that he’d picked up off of his bedroom floor.

he scrambled into the shower, scrubbing the ink off his skin and washing his hair with orange scented shampoo. he changed into jeans and a soft shirt, messaging jaemin frantically to come and get the bus with him. 

and so he ran to the bus, still doing up the buttons on the soft checkered material when he slid into the seat next to jaemin. the routine feeling familiar but also wildly different. 

“so, renjun huang invited you to watch him play, huh?” jaemin was leant forwards in his seat, eyes twinkling in the morning light. he grinned when a faint blush spread over jeno’s cheeks, “your lover boy stepped up his game!”

jeno slapped him with the long sleeve of the shirt, “shut up, we’re just friends.” 

the younger boy caught hold of the loose material that hung over from where jeno’s hand was, “and you don’t want to be just friends.” his smile was almost rueful; a sad echo of how jeno felt inside. 

being friends with renjun was amazing. it was soft colours and soft impact and soft words but brighter than that. and jeno loved being around his personality and finishing out new things about the older boy but there was always that feeling in the back of his mind. the feeling of craving more of what he wasn’t allowed. of wanting to be more to renjun.

the words fell from his lips like a waterfall, gushing out and out before he could stop himself. jaemin’s eyes widened, taking jeno’s hand in his own, and rubbing circles over his knuckles with his thumb, “do you really mean that?”

jeno turned to him, eyes wide and honest, he nodded slightly. catching a small sob in his throat before it could overflow. “i really, really do.” jaemin blew out a heavy breath through his teeth.

“okay.”

jeno gave his hand a fierce squeeze before pulling it away, staring at the nets that were coming into sight a little more closely. he pushed down his hurt and let a smile take over his face. 

his heart raced in an effort to keep himself grounded. a mixture of nerves and excitement. because he had been invited to watch huang renjun play, but not to give him his heart. 

but all of his efforts seemed like they had been for nothing when he left his banner at home.

and then their team lost.

~

renjun had changed out of his jersey, which jeno thought was a shame. he loved the way that the navy blue and white complimented the older boy’s skin tone and it did help that it fitted his form very well. but it was understandable; the large yellow hoodie that he had exchanged it for was hanging loosely off of his frame. he looked almost empty. a deflated version of the renjun that jeno knew: as if all the colour had been drawn out of him to leave a sepia shell behind.

the library felt far too big. every footstep and breath echoed and the ceiling seemed to reach into the sky. it made renjun look even smaller. he was sat across from jeno, knees pulled up to his chest and feet perched precariously on the edge of his chair - his eyes were unfocused, staring into middle distance as he tugged at the skin on his lips. jeno set his pen down gently, wincing at how loud the sound of it tapping against the table seemed in the deathly quiet. renjun had shoved a worksheet in his direction about half an hour ago and had been sitting in the same position ever since. it was concerning.

“jun?” he leaned forwards slightly, trying to make sure that he was within the other boy’s line of sight, “are you-” he paused for a moment, tongue catching on his teeth as he realised how stupid it would sound if he finished that question. he shifted slightly in his seat, feeling uncomfortable in the quiet that renjun usually filled with elaborate explanations of every thing on the worksheet. “do you wanna talk about it?”

renjun finally tilted his head in jeno’s direction; the younger boy thought that that would make him breathe a little easier - but it only served to amplify the ache he felt in his chest. he wanted to hold the older boy, tell him that he was perfect and that this didn’t change anything. he wasn’t sure that he had the right to do that though. so he just let his eyes meet renjun’s glassy ones and gave him a rueful smile; fleeting and painful.

“you don’t have to do this.” the older boy’s voice was dry, it sounded painful in the way that he forced it from his throat. but his hands were slightly looser around his knees, the white that had overtaken his knuckles flooding with red as he let the tension within him relax slightly.

“i want to.” jeno leaned forwards in his seat, brushing a small strand of hair out of his eyes, he looked down at the table - concerned as ever about overstepping his boundaries. he did not want renjun to go back to seeing him as an odd, nerdy boy. 

he did not want to loose the fragment of the boy that he had.

renjun bit his lip, nodding a few times and wringing his hand together - his knees slipped away from one another now that he was no longer holding them together and he sat cross legged, head hanging down slightly. “okay.” he all but whispered.

“so,” jeno fumbled for his words, unsure of what exactly he was doing because he usually had a companion when he went all ‘emotional confrontation’ on people. he licked his lips nervously, “tell me why you’re upset.”

renjun, furrowed his eyebrows slightly; the menacing effect being taken away from by the put that formed on his lips, “isn’t it obvious?” jeno found it weird to hear renjun speak in short sentences, avoiding the small monologues that he would usually slip into.

“i want to hear it from you, though.” jeno tilted his head upwards to meet the older boy’s eyes, “please.”

renjun sighed out deeply, his tone dripping in sadism. jeno hated the sound coming from his lips, but he focused on every word, “because i’m a failure. is that what you want to hear? that i’m an awful captain who couldn’t properly prepare his team. that i don’t know what i’m doing half the time and that i should have been backing up second properly instead of focusing on what everyone else was doing. it’s my fault that they got that first home run. it’s my fault.” he was only speaking at a regular volume, but the bitterness seemed to echo in the free space that surrounded them. the books shuddering at the pain in his eyes. the venom that rolled off his tongue was aimed only at himself, but jeno still felt it burn through his skin. renjun fixed his gaze on jeno, his eyes burning but wet; the tears that he had been holding in for the past hour were threatening to burst like floodgates. “is that what you want to hear?” his voice shook slightly and he dropped his head into his hands. 

jeno’s eyes were wide, his fingers shaking nervously from the outburst. he had been expecting emotions. just not emotions on such an extreme level. “you aren’t a failure.” the words spilled out of him before he could even process having had the thought. the older boy looked at him with questioning eyes, “you are many things, jun, but a failure is not one of them.” he let out a shaky breath that he didn’t even realise he was holding, “and none of this is your fault. you played stupidly well today. they just outdid you. that doesn’t make you worth any less.” his fingers tapped a gentle rhythm against the table. “okay?”

renjun nodded slightly, shoulders sagging as the fight left him. his eyes were still wet and jeno knew that he wouldn’t magically be better from a few words, but it was something. “sorry,” he sounded almost petulant, like a scolded child. 

jeno smiled at him again, eyes flicking to the large clock on the wall, “i have to go home now.” he stood up carefully, the conversation felt too short - too abrupt for its severity. he narrowly avoided scraping his chair against the floor, discomfort settling in his stomach, “text me when you get back to yours?”

renjun nodded, his fingers lightly running over the scratch in his phone screen. jeno chewed his lip bitterly, contemplating an appropriate way to say goodbye.

as he passed renjun’s chair, he wrapped the older boy in a short, fierce hug - walking away from him as he sat there stunned, before anything could be said about it. his cheeks burned red as he flung open the doors to the spring rain

~

yukhei picked up on the first ring, renjun felt slightly bad considering the fact that he had forty eight texts and two missed calls from the older boy - but he’d had it on silent in the library. 

“i was two seconds away from calling search and rescue.” his voice came down the line almost immediately, laughter on his lips. “where have you been?” 

“i told you i was tutoring jeno after the game, it’s not my fault you didn’t listen to me. and search and rescue are for the mountains, xuxi - they would have been useful for absolutely nothing.” he kicked his trainers off at the front door, the muddy laces hitting the wall before he could stop them. he winced at the dirt, but chose to pretend that he couldn’t see it.

“you could have been in the mountains for all i knew!” the mock outrage sent renjun into a small fit of giggles and his response was forced out in between them.

“i was not in the mountains! i was in the library with jeno lee and he hugged me.” there was an exaggerated gasp from the other end of the phone.

“he hugged you?” yukhei’s tone had softened, it mellowed out.

“yeah, i mean i honestly didn’t realise that we were the close but it’s nice to get hugged sometimes.”

“renjun huang you’re such an idiot.” and with that, yukhei hung up on him. leaving him to blink at his phone despairingly - with absolutely no idea what he’d done.

~

jeno hadn’t seen renjun for five days. they didn’t have any lessons together, they had had no tutoring sessions owing to renjun’s packed schedule and the boy hadn’t even opened any of jeno’s friendly texts. jeno hated to get down about something this small - hated to feel like he was reliant on the presence of another in his life; it wasn’t healthy. he knew that. and yet still he longed for the older boy.

but it was the painful kind of longing. the one that surged into his throat and choked him every time he saw the older boy in the corridor, every time a fleeting smile was turned in his direction. 

he kicked his feet against the mattress, the muffled thumps doing very little to alleviate the weight that seemed to crush him. it had been five days since he had hugged renjun. and he couldn’t help but wonder if he had done something wrong. there was another match that night, but jeno wasn’t even sure if renjun wanted him there - the older boy hadn’t messaged him like he’d done on saturday. jeno let out a small breath, his finger nails digging into the skin of his palms as he tried to slow the racing of his mind.

his phone buzzed, the sound dampened by the blanket that he had tossed over it at some point. school had been long that day. every lesson feeling like it lasted hours - mark and jaemin had been in none of them. and then he’d had volunteering work at lunch. it wasn’t just renjun who’s absence cut a void in his heart, but also his friends. he was lonely. and it ached.

his phone buzzed again, sounding slightly more incessant and irking jeno’s ears. he fished it out, swiping open the notification bar and feeling part of his compressing dread lifting when he saw a message from mark. come to my house rn - we’re having a boy’s night and i won’t take no for an answer. jeno let his fingers trail over the phone screen nervously, his mind still half caught up on the idea of the game; he tugged his bottom lip between his teeth and looked over at the banner that was sat on top of his desk. i can see you leaving me on read. he laughed slightly, typing out a hasty reply and abandoning all thoughts about seeing renjun that evening. his friends care before the boy who he had no label for. 

he found himself knocking on mark’s door only twenty minutes later, bouncing on his toes to keep warm with his cotton hood pulled up against the wind. it was still light out, one of the main perks of spring - but the gentle heat of the sun was outweighed by the breeze which blew like knives. mark lived in the row of terraced houses behind their school - jeno had been sitting in the window seat since he was a kid. hands pressed against the glass as he stared at the street below; he’d always loved bay windows, they felt like his own landing capsule on the moon. as kids, they had always gone to mark’s house after school - his older brother, taeyong, acting as their baby sitter while they waited for their parents to come home. one time, jeno had fallen asleep in the window seat waiting for his mum to pick him up after her night shift. the house was full of memories. 

mark’s mum opened the door, smiling at jeno fondly and letting him in. he sat on the bottom step to unlace his converse and was immediately accosted by hubert. hubert was a fat, calico cat - older than time itself; mark had given him a “fancy” name because as a kitten he had seemed sleek and sophisticated. old age had not served him well and hubert now felt like a slightly ridiculous name choice. he sat on jeno’s knees, turning round to lick at his paws. the boy reached out to stroke his head lightly, softly making meowing noises towards the bundle.

“jeno, what are you doing down there? get your ass to my room.” mark was leaning on the top post of the bannister, a wide grin pushing his cheeks up and a white cap perched backwards across his head. 

“this is serious cat business, mark.” he toed his converse the rest of the way off and tapped hubert’s front paw - the cat mewled indignantly and jumped to the floor. the movement should have been graceful, but was hindered when he lost his balance slightly. he jumped to the floor and collapsed into his landing like a sinking ship. 

“okay, but i have even more serious business for you,” jeno craned his neck back to look at the older boy who’s mature tone was undermined by the sparkle in his eyes, “smash bros or spider-man?”

the younger boy snorted, “spider-man, obviously, is that even a question?” the look on his face was one of pure indignation. 

“i told you!” jeno was surprised to hear jaemin’s voice, the other boy was usually the last one of them to arrive to anything. mark registered the surprise on his face, shrugging slightly to suggest that he’d had the same thought, “spider-man is superior, mark lee, you’re living in denial!”

jeno collapsed into a navy beanbag the minute that he got into mark’s room, grinning at jaemin. “he just likes nintendo cause he’s an old man.” 

mark plonked down beside him ungracefully, taking up far more room on the beanbag than jeno was. “i am literally in the same year at school as both of you.” jeno hit the cap off of his head and scrubbed a hand through the older boy’s hair, laughing as he made a disgruntled noise.

jaemin sat up from where he had been lying on the floor, putting all of his weight through his hands and leaning back on them. jeno thought that it looked very uncomfortable. “and your point is?”

“i’m not that much older than you!” 

jeno turned to face him, prodding at his side lightly, “the fact that you’re so defensive about it says otherwise.”

jaemin nodded in agreement, “you should be grateful that we even responded to your desperate plea - jeno’s missing a baseball game as we speak. that’s like a three year streak gone. thanos snap.” he blew his hair out of his eyes and collapsed back onto the floor, his arms seeming to have given way beneath him. 

jeno blew out a breath through his nose, trying to keep the composure that he’d managed to gather on the walk over, “it’s not like renjun even wants me there, i’m not bothered.” 

mark stared at him with raised eyebrows, but was quickly distracted by jaemin chucking the playstation controller in his direction. “it’s your house so you get the first mission.”

he nodded slightly in thanks to the younger boy, who just smirked knowingly. it was only the slightest bit irritating for jeno to have his emotions be so blatantly transparent. 

but it was nice to spend time with his friends. nice to be able to forget about his non existent love life for a while and to just be himself again. nice to feel normal. 

~

renjun had been pacing for fifteen minutes now, back and forth and back and forth across the fence at the side of the field. he blew out a breath that caused the strands of hair in his fringe to shift, tickling his forehead uncomfortably. he looked back out to where the benches were laid out for the spectators and scanned them again: eyes flicking over each and every person.

jeno wasn’t there.

jeno lee, who had been to every baseball game for the past three school years without fail. jeno lee, who everyone on the team knew because they recognised him. jeno lee, who had hugged renjun in a flurry of tears on saturday. jeno lee, who was not there.

and the game was starting in three minutes.

yukhei patted his back roughly, “i’m sure he’ll be here, jun. just come calm down, yeah?” his hand was splayed across renjun’s back, the younger boy turned round and wrapped his arms around the other boy; desperately clinging onto him - the size difference between the two boys meaning that yukhei practically swamped renjun every time that he hugged him, he needed to feel that protection. the older boy went still in his arms, surprised by the sudden show of affection - it was well established in their friend group that renjun letting them hug him was a rare occurrence. times when he instigated the hug were few and far between. 

“i don’t know if i can do it,” he mumbled into yukhei’s chest, pulling away and looking down at his trainers as an embarrassed blush crept over his cheeks. he scuffed his feet against the grass, kicking up the dry dirt as he did so. 

“do what?” hyuck was right at his shoulder, making renjun jump because he hadn’t so much as heard the faintest whisper of the younger boy’s approach. he brushed a strand of renjun’s hair behind his ear, the gentle touch helping to centre the older boy slightly. 

“play.” was the simple answer. it fell off of his tongue before he could even fully comprehend what he meant by it. he rubbed the toe of his left shoe into the ground, elaborating slightly further, “i’m so nervous after the last game. we have to qualify for semis today.”

“why? you knew that team were good before the match even started, jun. it was always going to be a struggle.” hyuck lightly kicked at renjun’s feet, trying to distract him from where his gaze was fixed on the ground. 

“but we lost. the morale of the team will be different and we might not play as well as before and what if it’s all just downhill from here?” he was quiet, a shell of the confident boy that usually filled out the jersey.

“no offence, but you’re the one with the lowest morale right now.” yukhei ruffled his hair, trying to bring a smile onto the younger boy’s face. 

hyuck laughed slightly, “that’s true. and you know we’re a bomb team. you just have to lead the way, captain.” he gave a mocking salute and crowed at the small curve of renjun’s lips. “you’re smiling! i saw that, don’t even try to deny it!”

renjun poked the younger boy’s side, “shut up,” he strode over to where the rest of the team were warming up. flipping off his friends as they hollered behind him. 

jeno still wasn’t there. but renjun could work with that.

~

jaemin walked into chemistry with his heart beating harder than he ever thought was possible, he pulled the straps of his light blue rucksack closer to his chest and walked past his usual seat; sliding into the one next to where donghyuck lee was practically certain to sit when he showed up to the lesson just barely on time.

he was interfering.

his plan had been carefully thought out the night before: he had found a lesson without either of his friends or a seating plan - that way he could sit wherever he wanted without it seeming odd. the lesson also had to have donghyuck lee or yukhei huang in it. his only options were chemistry and english, but his english teacher never let them talk to one another so he had settled on chemistry. 

in a way, jaemin was glad that it had fallen on chemistry. he wasn’t even sure if he had the balls to approach yukhei alone. the boy was intimidating. and also very attractive, but that wasn’t the point.

he had then snooped on twitter and instagram and snapchat for an hour. messaging all of his vague friends about donghyuck and trying to figure out any way to start a conversation with the older boy. he had some dregs of information, but he wasn’t quite sure how effective they would be.

he supposed that he would find out. 

it was weird to be doing something like this without either of his closest friends knowing, but they would both go mental if they found out what he was doing. mark would call it an invasion of trust and jeno would just get pissy that jaemin was actually trying to help him for once; he had some stupid complex about independence.

he lifted out his book, the bright yellow colour had always been his favourite - in the summer, it would reflect the light and cast a soft glow across his room. the whiteboard projector was still turned off and jaemin leant back in his stool; feet tapping at the wooden sides of the lab bench as he watched the clock. 

as predicted, donghyuck lee came barrelling into the room a few seconds before the final bell went. he slid into his normal seat beside jaemin and pulled out his things, shaking his biro to get the ink to flow properly. 

he twisted in his seat to face jaemin, “what happened to the unspoken seating plan?” well, all his research on conversation starters had been for nothing. the older boy’s tone was brash, but it didn’t seem to be intentionally rude. he had literally sat down and started speaking. jaemin had never known anyone who was so socially adept.

jaemin shrugged slightly, tapping his pen against the desk to hide the slight shake of his hands, “it got boring.” 

“oh, i feel you. honestly, every time my friends aren’t in a lesson it’s just such a drag. yours aren’t in chemistry right? i’m guessing that’s why you sat there.” his voice was softer than jaemin would have imagined, lilting round the edges of the word but elevating the vowels. donghyuck lee had always been an enigma. a bright bundle of energy on the baseball pitch but fiercely protective of his friends. it was like his personality could just switch in the smallest of nanoseconds.

“yeah, they’re both in top set. i don’t really know how, jeno’s crap at chemistry.” 

a gentle smile curved across the older boy’s face and he reached up to tousle his own hair, “i’m gonna assume that mark isn’t?”

he knew who jaemin was friends with? the younger boy’s heart started beating even faster, his eyes widening as he spoke up, “how do you know who i’m friends with? are you stalking me or something?”

donghyuck snorted, “renjun’s stalking jeno - i’m just watching from the sidelines and picking up stuff as we go along.” his voice had dropped to a whisper, their teacher interposing loudly over the top of both of them.

“jaemin, donghyuck, both of you be quiet before i have to separate you.” he looked down at them over the bridge of his glasses, fingers turning white where he clenched them against the table.

“sorry, won’t happen again.” jaemin smiled brightly. even though mr cairn pretended to be mean, he was a huge softy. he always brought their class cake and there was no way he would split them up. the class could have gotten away with blue murder.

he immediately turned back to donghyuck, “same here, renjun seems to be the only thing on jeno’s mind lately and he’s been so moody because he didn’t see him yet this week.”

“jun got so stupidly stressed out about the fact that he wasn’t at the baseball game - like, i love the boy, but at the same time i could have easily punched him.” 

jaemin grinned, his lips stretching wide over his cheeks. “we all went to mark’s that night and he was so pouty about it. he pretended he was completely chill but it was so obvious that he wanted to be at the game.”

donghyuck tilted his head back, shaking the curling strands of hair out of his eyes and rubbing his hands against his thighs. “i’m so done with them,” there was a slight pause as he seemed to consider the next words that came out of his mouth, “wanna help me interfere?”

“you do realise that’s the only reason why i’m sitting here, right?” the confession fell from jaemin’s lips before he could stop it, seeming all the more dramatic through the fact that he had to practically hiss it from under his breath.

“it’s not just because you love me?” the older boy fake pouted, his lower lip protruding out and spit glistening. he wiped an invisible tear from his cheek. “you wound me, jaemin na.”

jaemin shoved him slightly, careful not to make him overbalance on the cheap plastic stools that the science labs were all covered in. they both giggled quietly, sucking in breaths through their teeth so as not to disrupt the lesson. thank god neither of them felt the pressures of toxic masculinity.

“i kind of already have a plan.” 

~

jeno was sat under the glare of the floodlights that lined the cricket nets - the plastic of the astro dug into the skin of his legs that was bare beneath the grey uniform shorts that he wore. his shoes were sat beside him, unlaced hastily with his socks tucked into either one - he always took them off so that he could feel the dew on his toes. it was a pleasant feeling. like springtime had come just for him. the sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon, the clock face on the side of the main school building reflecting it cruelly back into his eyes. jaemin had texted him an hour ago to meet him here.

he hadn’t been on the astro itself for years. as kids, he and his friends had always been on it. constantly roughing one another up and tumbling across the grass. it was the best place to play: it didn’t get muddy, only wet; it was within walking distance of all of their houses and it had seemed huge to their tiny hands and feet. a massive expanse for them to roam over. now jeno realised that it was really quite small - his childlike self had distorted his memories of this place into a wonderland. 

jeno wasn’t sure why jaemin wanted to meet him here: among plastic wickets and cheap tennis balls. their houses were closer to one another than the astro was, but jeno was a good friend. and so he didn’t complain, simply sat and breathed in the soft dust of the air. this had always been his favourite time to be outside. the metal crates that held the equipment for the young kids was locked, the sentiment of which made jeno smile. it wasn’t as if anyone was going to steal the overly light sports gear that had been shipped in from some terrifyingly bare amazon warehouse. 

he wrapped his fingers through the criss cross plastic fence that lined the astro and stretched his arms out. jaemin hadn’t texted again, but he knew that the younger boy would come. he always did.

footsteps sounded from behind him, soft against the crunching gravel path that led up to the cricket nets, jeno stared up at the floodlights - the black lines of the ceiling negging distorting his view slightly, waiting for jaemin to approach. 

“hyuck? i’m sorry - i wanted to run a few more drills, i didn’t mean to be late.” jeno practically choked on his own spit, throwing his head forwards from where he had tilted it backwards and trying to shove his feet back into his shoes before renjun could see the weird position that he’d landed himself in while he drifted into a word of nostalgia. he didn’t even give himself time to think about the fact that renjun was there. just him and renjun. neither jaemin nor donghyuck were there and things suddenly became blatantly clear in jeno’s head.

they’d clearly both been set up by their friends. 

he sighed heavily, resigning himself to the fact that he was being forced to act like an adult. sometimes jeno just wanted to go back to being a child, when nothing mattered and he could roll about on the astro for hours - ignoring the balls that would pass by lazily as older boys played adapted versions of cricket in the winter. he was lacing up his shoes when renjun finally swung the gate open, he could tell from the awful squeal of the hinges. they probably hadn’t been oiled in months.

the older boy stopped dead in his tracks when he realised who else was there. he cleared his throat awkwardly and scuffed his shoes against the driest patch of astro that he could find. jeno thought that he looked beautiful in that moment - his body blocked the setting sun, meaning that it looked as if he was illuminated. his navy jersey was tucked into a pair of light blue shorts and his hair soft around his ears. it was a very mix and match outfit, but it suited him endlessly. he looked at ease in his own skin.

he was also the first one to speak, “hey.”

jeno bit his lip nervously, muttering the same word back to the older boy. the silence fell again, broken by renjun’s footsteps as he made his way over to jeno and sat against the fence - directly beside him. “don’t bite your lip, jen, you’ll get an infection.” and so he released it, instead wringing his hands together and looking shyly at the ground.

“haven’t seen you much lately.” were the first words that he spoke at full volume - his fingernails scratching at the astro beneath his hands. 

“no.” renjun agreed, “i’ve missed having you around.” the response felt forbidden, like something jeno wasn’t meant to have heard but that had been laid upon him anyway. he shivered slightly, regardless of the warm LEDs beating down on his back. he cleared his throat again, tension eating them both up, “how did your physics test go?”

jeno’s voice cracked as he answered, “good. i got 93%,” it was practically shy. the younger boy felt as if he ought to curl in on himself and disappear into the ground.

“that’s amazing, jeno.” renjun’s eyes were wide and a smile had fallen across his lips, “i knew you could do it - i’m so proud of you.” jeno nodded, acutely aware of the blush that was smattering across his cheeks.

the silence seemed to extend on and on.

jeno stood up abruptly, wiping the damp off of his hands and onto his shorts. “you look really cute in your jersey, by the way.” and then he practically sprinted away. nerves and panic taking over.

renjun watched after him. a blush coming across his own face as he did so, mirroring how jeno had looked only a few moments before. he kicked at the ground, bidding the confusion that was rampaging him to leave.

he looked down at himself and pulled the jersey closer to his skin. 

~

jeno tapped his fingers against his thigh nervously, the rhythm doing very little to settle the butterflies that filled his lungs and choked him. it had been two days since he had seen renjun at the cricket nets, an experience which he was currently labelling as the most awkward thing that he had ever done in his life. it had been an overreaction on everyone’s behalf: they hadn’t even fought. renjun had just been busy. yeah, overreaction was probably an understatement. jeno felt like the epitome of teenage angst for absolutely no reason. and now he was going to something that could be even more awkward - a tutoring session. 

jaemin scrubbed a hand through jeno’s hair roughly before sticking his hands back into the pockets of his denim jacket. jeno ducked away from him, stepping off of the pavement and into a puddle - grumbling at the younger boy when he stepped back up again. “you’re thinking too hard, jeno,” he practically sang the words, “calm down, yeah? it’s gonna be fine.” he reached over again, this time to gently tap the strands of jeno’s hair that he had mucked up back into the state of bed head that jeno considered acceptable when going outdoors. 

“i’m calm.” his voice was practically a monotone, but the yawn that laced it indicated that he had been up all night. and also that he was anything but.

jaemin just hummed a noncommittal response, smacking his gum loudly as they continued down the road. it was wet out, the showers that hadn’t come in april seemed to have delayed themselves - musty rain clung to both of their skin; light enough for them to feel it but not heavy enough to penetrate their clothes.

jeno stopped outside the library, his fingers digging into the soft material of his rucksack. jaemin cut in front of him and turned to face him, “call me if you need an out, okay?” jeno nodded shakily. the younger boy pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before he left, looking anxiously over his shoulder at his friend. kisses had been the norm for the two of them since childhood - they had both always been taught that kisses were like fairy dust and that they could heal any bruise. on the playground they used to kiss each other’s scrapes and bruises, as teenagers they became what mark referred to as ‘emotional fuck up’ kisses.

jeno sighed, squaring his shoulders as if the library was some sort of threatening opponent, and turned towards the doorway.

exactly where renjun was stood.

the older boy had his arms crossed over his chest, a few sheets of paper poking out of where they folded over one another. he pursed his lips when jeno reaches him, raising an eyebrow at the younger boy. “i didn’t realise that you were going out with jaemin.” his voice seemed almost heavy with an emotion that jeno had never heard on him before, he wasn’t entirely sure that he knew what it was. 

jeno felt exposed in front of him, as if renjun could see and understand every fibre of his being. he flicked his eyes up, forcing himself to meet the older boy’s. “i’m not going out with anyone.” there was a poignant pause, jeno dropped his gaze to the floor, wrapping his fingers even tighter around the straps of his rucksack and relishing in the burn of the rough material against his fingers. his voice was barely more than a whisper, “i like someone though.”

the older boy let out a quiet noise, something like a vague sense of realisation. they made the silent agreement to drop the subject, instead choosing to walk to a free table and begin their tutoring session.

renjun pushed a crumpled worksheet towards him - covered in equation based sums. “these are all based on the equations that you have to know for the exam - the ones that you don’t get given.” jeno nodded, fishing a biro out of there bottom of his rucksack and shoving his glasses up the bridge of his nose. he worked through them quietly, the main noise being the tap of his fingernails against the keys of his calculator.

“number seventeen should be current squared, jen.” the older boy’s voice was soft, his finger tapping against the paper of the sheet softly. “current times resistance makes voltage, that’s not the one that you want to use for that question.” it was the first words that either of them had spoken for the best part of an hour. “you’re doing well, do you wanna stop for today?”

“is that okay?” he was already putting the sheet and his pen back into his rucksack - it would have been awkward if renjun had taken his offer back so quickly.

“of course.”

they both stood up; a residual layer of awkward and uncomfortable feelings still seemed to coat their interactions which felt odd and foreign, but it seemed that things were predominantly back to how they used to be. jeno was so caught up in his head that he didn’t even notice how close renjun was to him. the older boy raised himself up on his tiptoes ever so slightly, brushing his lips over the now blue bruise that had marked jeno’s cheekbone for the past two weeks. “do you wanna come with me to get sweets?” 

jeno’s mind came to an abrupt halt. renjun had kissed him. kissed his cheek. he had felt it. and now he wanted to go and get sweets. with jeno. he stuttered out a vague confirmation, blinking as he tried to process the overload of information. 

he followed renjun out of the library and back down the road, a bright smile across the older boy’s lips. he took a few quick steps to catch up to him, walking beside him in a silence that - for the first time in a week - felt comfortable. it remained quiet as renjun bought a stupid amount of packets of cheap rainbow fizzy belts: packed full of e-numbers and sherbet. 

the silence only broke when they perched on the wall outside the park - a packet of belts open between them and overly sweetened treats colouring both of their tongues. 

“i know about the fight,” renjun’s voice was soft, punctuated by the smack of jeno’s lips against the cheap sweets. “thank you. i mean it was dumb and you shouldn’t have gotten yourself hurt over it but still, he’s my baby brother and it means a lot to me.”

jeno smiled slightly, “it was worth it.” the smile was returned as renjun shovelled another fizzy belt onto his already stained tongue, the wall harsh and unforgiving on their thighs but both of them feeling far more comfortable than they had for a long time.

~

the day of the semi final baseball match was sunny and dry, jeno could only hope that it would be a perfect example of pathetic fallacy. he had missed the teams qualification for the semi finals when he was moping and he was glad to be back to normality. his banner for the day was on thick, yellow card - glitter spread unevenly across the whole surface. jaemin had also decided that the glitter had to be on jeno’s face as well; a few streaks of gold were plastered onto his skin with pva glue. the chances of it resulting in acne were high, but who was jeno to stop jaemin from having his fun? he still hadn’t told the younger boy about the kiss, but he was planning on doing it later that day. 

both of them had walked down to the field after school: tilting their heads back to feel the sun scorch their faces, stuffing their hands in the pockets of their school shorts and laughing obnoxiously the entire way down. jeno was still figuring out how to angle his head to make sure that his glitter caught the sun - he had done it in brief moments that made jaemin shriek at him to move before he blinded the younger boy. 

jeno ran his fingers over the corners of the banner, enjoying the feeling of the centre of the card stock against his skin. he leaned over towards jaemin, resting his head on the younger boy’s shoulder and watching the team run warm up drills. he could see renjun at the front, a smile lighting up the older boy’s face - his skin seemed to glow under the warm light of the sun and the loose strands of his hair were trapped under a navy blue headband. he was fixated on the way that the other boy laughed at his teammates, how his slightly crooked tooth seemed to become amplified by the wide stretch of his mouth, his cheeks puffing up to full inflation. seeing renjun laugh never failed to make jeno feel like he was whole again.

jeno’s eyes didn’t leave renjun for the whole match. didn’t leave when he ran his fourth home run and whooped in unbound delight, didn’t leave when he caught the ball perfectly before the runner could even get to first base, didn’t leave as he pulled the front of his jersey up to wipe the sweat off of his forehead and exposed the smooth plain of his stomach. there was something so utterly mesmerising about watching the older boy play, something that jeno wasn’t even sure that he could describe. the boy looked so free, so confident - as if this was what he had been born to do. 

the game ended 37 - 12 to their school. jeno finally released the breath that he didn’t even know he had been holding and slouched back down in his seat - his hands leaving his knees. he turned to jaemin, matching the wide grin on the younger boy’s face and smudging his fingers through the glitter that was fixed to his tan skin. jaemin laughed, slinging an arm around jeno and squeezing him close into his shoulder. even though they weren’t members of the team, both of them felt a similar elation to the boys who had just won.

jaemin brought his lips down to jeno’s ear, “go talk to your boy, he keeps looking over here.” the two teams were currently shaking hands, sweat glistening on everyone’s foreheads. renjun was nodding at something that the other team captain had said, he had pulled the headband out of his hair and now the glossy strands flopped forwards into his eyes. his posture was straight and confident, but he didn’t seem to be condescending to the other boy. jeno was once again struck by how comfortable renjun seemed to be in his own skin when baseball was involved. 

he was still staring when renjun flicked his gaze over towards them - he glanced down shyly when their eyes met. “isn’t it awkward for me to do that in front of, like, everyone?” jeno kept his voice low, conscious of the people sat in the chairs around them.

“it’s only awkward if you overthink it.” jaemin tapped him on the small of his back, taking the sign from jeno’s weak grasp and effectively forcing him to get up and out of his chair. “just go and congratulate him, i know you want to.”

jeno nodded shakily, biting his lip and getting to his feet. he brushed the dust that had gathered off of his knees and then crossed the field towards renjun. the older boy saw him coming and seemed to excuse himself from the conversation that he was bound to, meeting jeno at the edge of the groups of people. 

he quirked an eyebrow at the younger boy, “fancy seeing you here.”

jeno shoved his shoulder, “shut up, it was one time! i wanted to congratulate you but maybe i won’t if you’re gonna act like that.”

renjun laughed brightly, tilting his head and making mock puppy dog eyes at jeno, “oh, don’t be like that.” jeno stayed silent, “weren’t you gonna tell me about how amazing i was and how in awe you are of me?” the cocky smirk on his lips was insanely attractive.

“you played well, jun, you deserved the win. and i deserved the view.” renjun choked at the sudden burst of confidence that had spewed from jeno - his arms coming up to wrap the younger boy in a tight, fierce hug. 

the field went silent at the motion and jeno was suddenly hyper aware of the eyes that he could feel that were fixated on the two of them. he sighed softly, before diving into the depths of his stores of courage and whispering into renjun’s ear. “do you want to walk home together?”

the silence that followed lasted long enough to make jeno concerned that he had done something wrong, he was about to pull away from renjun when the older boy finally spoke up again.

“i would love to."

~

the sky was a dusty pink by the time renjun had finished cleaning up after the game - him and his teammates had been on an almost euphoric high, the fact that they had reached the finals making all of them feel a little lighter. every step that renjun took felt like he was crossing the surface of the moon. he twisted the lock on the store cupboard shut, tugging the handle of the rough wooden door to check it was fully sealed. he was still freezing from his shower: the school hadn’t invested in heating for them and so washing up was more like torturous blasts of chilly water. he didn’t care all that much though - his heart felt warm enough for him to go to antarctica. 

jeno wanted to walk home together.

renjun had panicked in the changing rooms when he realised that he had nothing to wear other than his school uniform and sweaty baseball gear. he settled on his uniform shirt and shorts, but he wasn’t the happiest with the outfit. water still clung to his hair, but the sun was high enough in the sky that it wouldn’t be a problem. he and jeno would have to part ways after about ten minutes if they were to get home - but those ten minutes were sure to be absolutely lovely. 

the younger boy was waiting for him at the edge of the field, leaning against the cheap plastic fencing and smiling at the other members of the baseball team as they trickled out slowly. it was a soft smile, small and genuine; he seemed proud of them all. when renjun finally made his way over to jeno, the boy smiled with his whole face - it seemed to lift his cheeks and scrunch up his eyes and renjun almost cooed at the sight. he ruffled jeno’s hair and they set off without a single word being exchanged. 

about halfway into their walk, jeno spoke up, “so, you guys are in the final now. that’s kinda a big deal.”

renjun smiled, “just kinda? wow, jeno, the enthusiasm is rolling off of you right now.” the younger boy stuck his tongue out childishly but conceded.

“okay, okay, it’s a huge deal.”

“i never thought we’d make it, i dreamed and i hoped but i wasn’t sure that we would ever actually see the day. and now here it is.” renjun seemed to realise that he was on a monologue and caught himself. 

“i knew you guys would.” jeno smiled down at him, giggling slightly, “you had me there, i’m basically a good luck charm.”

“is that so?”

“it is so.” jeno kicked the toe of his school shoe against the ground, seemingly nervous about their conversation.

“well, i think you’re the best good luck charm we could ask for.” renjun had stopped walking and jeno noticed with a start that they were at the fork in the road where they would have to go their separate ways. jeno stared at a point on renjun’s cheek, pointedly ignoring his eyes until the older boy cupped his face in his hands and lightly brushed his lips over jeno’s. 

jeno let out a noise of shock, quickly returning the gesture. neither of them knew how long it had been when renjun pulled away.

“night, jeno.” the younger boy simply stood there, stunned into silence as the older boy jogged away. 

~

renjun dropped his bat as the final score was announced, eyes widening as he tugged his cap off of his head and sunk to the floor. somewhere behind him he registered donghyuck screaming, satisfied whoops of elation coming from his whole team. he pressed his fingers into the grass, silently thanking the ground before his teammates were on top of him - voices clashing in his ears. he smiled at them; a proud beam that lit up his entire face, his crouch was uncomfortable but he would stay there for as long as they wanted. as long as they were all happy.

the title was theirs. the trophy was theirs. it was all theirs. they had won. 

the changing rooms feel foreign. the championship game had taken place at the other school, an elitist private school that made their own look like grime on the pavement. the baseball field looked like a tiny spec on the acres of green land that surrounded the castle. renjun wasn’t sure that he liked it like that. he preferred the intimate setting of their own pitch. the showers were warm and steamy, individual cubicles which ran until you decided they stopped - not after a predetermined but seemingly random period of time. the benches that their sports bags were strewn over were probably solid oak or something ridiculous like that. all of them were afraid to touch anything in case it broke. it all seemed far too ornate and fragile to even be real. 

he was towelling of his hair when jaehyun, a sixth former who had somehow been allowed onto the team, cleared his throat dramatically. he was stood on one of the benches, his hands holding onto the metal bar across the top of it - a wide grin was plastered across his face. “alright, dumbasses! i made a promise at the start of the year that i’d throw you a party if you pulled through and won. and i think we all know what just happened,” there were joking cheers from other members of the team, “it’s gonna be tonight at my house and you all better show up or i’ll never forgive you.” he looked as if he was about to jump down from the bench when a thought seemed to lodge itself in his mind, “captain?” he yelled again.

renjun turned towards him, tugging a clean jersey over his white shorts, “yes, jae?”

“you have to bring your boyfriend.” renjun spluttered, his face reddening as his teammates made dumb noises around him - their laughter filling the overly large changing room perfectly. 

yukhei clapped him on the back, ruffling his hair, “you had to know that was coming.” renjun just stared up at him - shell shocked and shook his head in denial. but for all of his silent complaints, he still fished his phone out of his pocket.

hey, we won - i’m really sorry that you couldn’t come, they were so prissy about it being a closed door event. probably cause they knew we were gonna hammer them >.< but there’s a party tonight ? i’ll text you the address later but i was wondering if you wanted to go with me ? you can bring your friends too. i really wanna see you. 

with shaking fingers, he sent the message. he met donghyuck’s eyes from across the room and chucked his phone aside in favour of jumping on his back and tackling him to the floor.

right now, his team were the only people that he needed.

~

jaehyun’s house was loud, bass thrummed through the floorboards and treble seemed to mix in every corner. it was like the music was part of the house, like it was it’s life blood. renjun kind of loved it - even from outside. it was a hot night, a still night. the kind that felt like summer even though it was still spring; he nursed his cup of lemonade and let his head rock back to the rhythm of the music. he was still wearing his jersey, the team had, as a collective, decided that they were all going to wear them. nobody really knew why. renjun supposed that they were all just high on victory. 

he tugged at the rips in his jeans, the fairy lights above his head making patterns on the black fabric that seemed gorgeous to his slightly hazy mind. he’d only had one cider, but the joy from earlier meant that his head was buzzing slightly. it was a beautiful feeling. he looked out into the street and marvelled at how well things had turned out. jaehyun’s parties were known for being messy but they had somehow managed to keep it lowkey. renjun liked it. just his teammates and their closest friends and partners. it felt perfect. like a haywire family.

he was still waiting for his invitees.

he tossed the rest of the lemonade down his throat - the sickly sweet sugar causing him to feel dry inside like silica gel was eating up his insides.

someone sat down beside him, completely ungracefully - making a noise that sounded as if they had shattered their seat bones. renjun looked over to see donghyuck, a flower tucked behind his ear as he sipped what seemed to be straight vodka. the younger boy leaned his head on renjun’s shoulder, humming something under his breath.

“i’m proud of us, junnie,” he mumbled softly - his breath catching on the syllables as he hiccuped slightly. he looked more tired than drunk, which renjun felt sympathy with, “we really did it.”

“yeah, hyuck, we really did.”

donghyuck sat upright and turned so that he was sat cross legged on a perpendicular to the older boy, “i’m proud of you as well though,” he giggled, “finally manning up to ask your boy out.” a blush began to rise on the other boy’s cheeks, but he knew that he’d be able to blame it on the alcohol.

“i still haven’t asked him, you know.” he bumped his knee against the younger boy’s.

“i know,” he knocked back the rest of his vodka, “but when you do, just know that i’ll be proud.” 

“thanks, duckie. i’m proud of you too.” he pressed a shallow kiss to the other boy’s forehead and looked back up the street - startling when he saw three figures walking towards the house, “oh, jesus, they’re here.”

donghyuck laughed and shoved him slightly, walking away before renjun could plead for help. he was left alone when jeno finally approached him, his two friends peeling away to go and mingle or whatever the hell they wanted to do.

“i can’t believe you won, jun, you’re incredible - i’m so proud of you.” he seemed to echo donghyuck’s words but renjun heard them in a different light, everything seemed more whole from jeno’s lips.

“thanks,” he mumbled, crushing and tearing the edges of his paper cup, “i can’t believe it either, i never thought that it would realistically happen.”

jeno grinned, wide and honest, “i did.” he held out a hand to the boy who was still sitting, he took it gratefully and let the younger boy haul him to his feet; falling into his arms when he stood. they stayed there for a while, just basking in one another’s presence - jeno was swaying slightly to the offbeats of the song that was playing and renjun let himself dance in the wind.

renjun pulled away from the embrace first, “as much as i love this, i also love getting wasted.”

“is that a request?” jeno giggled, tugging at the cuffs of his light blue shirt. renjun hadn’t even taken the time to appreciate how gorgeous the younger boy looked at this moment.

“it could be.” and then renjun had his hand, pulling him through the crowds of people and straight to the kitchen where cans of cheap lager were laid out in orderly rows and bottles of even cheaper liquors were strewn messily across the work-surface. he grabbed two cans and chucked one of them to jeno, watching in shock as the younger boy downed it one go. jeno noticed him watching and tucked his head down shyly, missing the way that renjun softly licked over his lips. 

he leaned down to the older boy’s height, “do you dance?” 

renjun looked up at him, confusion blatantly obvious in his expression, “yeah, but no one’s dancing.”

“so what?” there was a smirk on his face, a wicked curve to his eyebrow as he looked down at renjun - it was as if he was daring him to back down, daring him to chicken out.

“so nothing.” the alcohol was beginning to flood into his system and renjun decided to speed the process up by sipping an overly large gulf of tequila straight from the bottle. it was probably best that he was at least a little drunk for this. 

jeno bunched up the fabric of renjun’s jersey in his fists and started to sway, his hips moving as if he were sinning. renjun followed shyly, trying to ignore the eyes that he knew were fixed on the both of them. he felt filthy. he loved it. he loved the way that he could rest his head against jeno’s neck and suck bruises into it. he loved the way that his skin tingled at every touch with the other boy. he loved the way that the music seemed to mix with the alcohol in his veins and make him feel as if he was on fire. he loved it all. he didn’t care how fast him and jeno were moving, he loved it.

he loved it even more when jeno took his hand and pulled him away, up the stairs and down the hallway. everything seemed less hazy when he met the glazed over look in the younger boy’s eyes.

“is this okay?” jeno asked as he pushed open the bedroom door.

“dumbass, do i look like i have any complaints?” and then they were kissing, wet and brutal and perfect. it was almost sloppy, but the press of their lips against one another felt like heaven. at that moment, renjun realised that he could probably love jeno. but he pushed that thought away in favour of biting at the younger boy’s lip. “if you don’t take your clothes off right now i think i might die.”

jeno chuckled softly, “you do know what patience is, yes?”

“at this exact moment in time? no.” he pushed jeno onto the bed and sat across his hips, laughing against his lips as he undressed him slowly - pressing kisses to every bare inch of his skin.

~

jeno woke as the sun peeked through the window - the curtains were already thrown wide and the bed he was sleeping in was warm. he turned his head towards renjun, watching the gentle rise and fall of the older boy’s chest as he slept silently. he opened the door and looked out into the hallway; there were only a few people up and moving about and many more strewn across the floor. at least they weren’t the only ones who had stayed the night. 

he tugged his grey shorts on, trying to fix his hair in the reflection of his long dead phone. he was sore, as he always was after nights such as that. he hadn’t slept with many people, but he never ever topped. it didn’t feel right. neither did his legs. he tripped over a cable while searching for his shirt, hitting his knee against the bed frame.

renjun still didn’t wake up.

his shirt was also nowhere to be found.

he sat down on the bed beside renjun, stroking the loose strands of hair away from his forehead and humming softly to try and wake him up. the older boy blinked several times, twisting his body back and forth before properly looking up at jeno. when their eyes met, a smile overtook his face, “hi,” he reached a hand up to cup the younger boy’s face.

“hey,” jeno’s voice was rough and croaky, he winced when renjun shifted too close to his thighs.

“oh shit, sorry jen.” he sat up fully, pulling the duvet up to cover him from the waist down - the bare expanse of his tan skin was a little overwhelming for jeno too look at and so he instead tried to fix his gaze on a spot just above renjun’s head.

“it’s okay, i’m okay.” but they both knew that the previous night had probably been a mistake, that it had probably been something which had waited for a little while longer. they weren’t even an official couple yet. it wasn’t that jeno regretted it, it was just that he regretted how it had happened. “i,” he stuttered slightly on his words, “i can’t find my shirt?” it came out in a questioning tone, “and i really have to go, my mum will get mad otherwise.”

renjun nodded quickly, “you can take my jersey for now, if you’d like, i’ll just get it back from you whenever. the season’s over now anyway.”

jeno smiled, “obviously, mister champion.” he scooped the jersey from the floor and tugged it over his head. it was slightly large on renjun which meant that it fitted jeno nicely. “thank you.”

and maybe renjun focused on the door for a little too long after he left, the image of his surname plastered on jeno’s back just a little too prominent to ignore and the lump in his throat aching; he really, really liked jeno. a little too much, in fact. 

~

jeno was sat on the wall where he and renjun had sat eating far too many sweets only a few weeks earlier, he had never admitted to renjun that he didn’t really like fizzy belts but that he’d eaten them anyway having seen the joy that filled the older boy’s face when he had realised that they were in stock. he kicked his converse against the wall, trying to ignore the fact that dirt would now coat the white fabric. a soft tote bag was beside him, renjun’s jersey neatly folded into it - he had washed it the night before. right after renjun messaged him to ask about meeting up. he closed his eyes, running his fingers over the straps of the bag to ground himself. of course, it was sod’s law that a shadow would fall over him right as he did so. he opened his eyes and squinted up at renjun, “you’re early.”

“you’re literally already here?” renjun sat down beside him, dropping his backpack on the floor. the wall was low, but high enough that they both had to jump up onto it to sit comfortably.

they both sat in silence, less awkward than it had been for a long time. it took jeno right back to when they had first met. it seemed so long ago now, even if it had only been a few weeks.

the quiet seemed vaguely uncomfortable, but renjun quickly filled it, “so, i figured we should probably talk about us?”

jeno looked at him, furrowing his brow, “what, exactly, about us?”

“look, jen, i really like you. like a whole damn lot. and maybe last night was too fast, but you make me feel like i can take on the world and being around you is so precious to me. if you just want to be friends or tutoring buddies or whatever then that’s fine but i think i want more than that.” he didn’t meet jeno’s eyes the whole time, instead toeing at the straps of his backpack and watching as he did so. 

“are you thick? you think i just want to be friends? jun, we slept together. i know that doesn’t mean everything but i don’t think i could bare to go back to being basically strangers. this has moved faster than we could ever have expected but i think i like that.” jeno let out a heavy breath, “i think that i really like you too.”

renjun bit his lip shyly, gripping the edge of the wall with his fingers, “good, this would have been kinda awkward otherwise.” they both giggled quietly, renjun stopping and turning to face jeno fully, a serious look on his face, “so, jeno, would you maybe like to be my boyfriend?”

jeno grinned, blisteringly large, “yes, renjun, i would.” 

they both laughed again, staring at the other. it was as if everything had finally clicked into place and that the world had slowed down just for them. jeno started, “i have this for you!” he held out his tote bag. “it’s your jersey! i washed it and everything!”

“oh no, you keep it - the season’s over anyway.”

“but,” jeno paused, unsure of himself, “it’s yours?”

“and you, my dear boyfriend, look way better in it than i ever could.”

jeno blushed heavily, “you’ve clearly never looked in a mirror, huang.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading this !! it's the first i've written anything of this style or length so i'm sorry if it's not perfect and i'm super grateful for you if you stuck with this mess the whole way through. 
> 
> please leave any relevant feedback you may have >.<


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